Grief is the price we pay for loving so deeply…

SunflowerI ran across this postcard in a shop while on business in Texas. It pulled me to it like some sort of magnetic force. I picked it up. I put it back. I looked at a few others. Again it called to me. When I looked at it, I felt some sort of connection and a sea of emotion churned inside. It made me think of my sister. It made me think of my grief. It made me sad, and yet, it conveyed hope. Sunflowers were her favorite. This one looked sad and I connected with it. The rain is my grief, our grief; the sun is hope, her light shining down to tell us to live. Each time I look at it, I’m mesmerized and want to cry.

This campaign has been a roller coaster of emotion; it’s scraped the scab of raw grief and at the same time, it’s been beautiful. To talk about her, hear her remembered; see how she continues to touch lives; the fingerprint she left on the hearts of so many. I’m so consumed and exhausted that I feel third person sometimes and then it kicks me in the gut. She’s gone from this earthly world and I can’t touch her; can’t talk to her. Can’t ever hug her or hear her voice again, and I want to scream.

I truly did not realize how much I depended on her; how much she was the center of my life. She was always special. The child I didn’t have. I never felt the need because I had her. Now there’s a double void. We were always close, even with 13 years between us. It changed as she grew up, and then we became the friends I always imagined we’d become when she was older. Had she not gotten ill, she would have moved to Oregon or traveled the world like she wanted and I guess we would’ve settled into a more traditional sister relationship; always close but not the center of my world. I would give anything to have her here, living the life she should have lived; wanted to live, but then I would not have had the privilege of spending so much time with her… How do you reconcile those emotions?

I feel blessed and grateful beyond words to have had every moment we did, to have had the freedom to put her first, never resent one moment given to her; WANT to be there for and with her. She was truly a gift and I knew it from the moment I realized she existed.


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